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In today’s world, most of us are hooked on validation, checking our phones for likes, fishing for compliments, and wanting to prove to others that we’re winners in life. But this craving to be seen isnโt just a harmless habit. It slowly rots away your sense of fulfillment and lures you into seeking happiness externally.
Validation-seeking behavior has become a growing societal issue, especially among the youth who have been socially engineered to seek validation via the social media revolution, where their self-worth equates to a thumbs up on a post. But just because you’re a little older doesn’t mean you’re not prone to this excessive behavior. We all are…
In truth, we all seek validation to some degree. There’s nothing wrong with it necessarily, but when it becomes excessive, it indicates that there’s a deeper underlying issue that needs to be addressed, and this is what we’re going to look at in this article.
This onion has layers, so let’s get to the bottom and look at why you seek validation and what you can do to stop it.
What Is Validation-Seeking Behavior?
Validation-seeking behavior is the persistent need for recognition. It’s that little voice in your head that tells you, “If only people recognize me, I will feel so good!” In this sense, seeking validation is acting on the human desire to be heard, seen, and approved by others.
But we shouldn’t make validation out to be a bad thing. In moderation, it’s normal, perhaps even healthy. After all, everyone wants to be valued, and there’s nothing wrong with other people reinforcing that we’re doing good.
However, the desire for validation can become toxic when we overvalue it, and this is an issue so many of us are dealing with. Seeking validation becomes a problem when youโre constantly chasing it. When it becomes an obsession, the need to be validated ties into your sense of self-worth and begins dictating how you behave. You begin doing things not because you genuinely want to, but because you want to feed your ego.
See where this is going? It’s not hard to overvalue external validation and get to a point where it controls your life, puppeteering your actions by pulling the levers of self-worth and your sense of acceptance. With that said, these tentacles also coerce you to believe that happiness and fulfillment are acquired through other people’s perceptions of you, when this is not the direction you should be walking if you’re on a journey of personal growth.
The result? You become superficial and lose touch with what actually matters, with what actually provides true happiness, all of which is internal, not external.
If youโre posting online just to get likes, tweaking your personality to get a compliment, or acting a certain way because other people approve, thatโs validation-seeking behavior in control of your life. You’re seeking happiness externally, which is a problem because pleasure can be found externally, and satisfaction can be found externally. You can even have moments of joy, but you’ll find they’re always short-lived if they’re not sourced from a deeper place.
Let me tell you a little story.
I used to live on the Mornington Peninsula, which is a picturesque part of Victoria, Australia. This stretch of land is full of charming country towns, farmland and vineyards, and unspoilt beaches sprawling endlessly amongst coastal cliffs just a couple of hours away from Melbourne.
Before I began traveling in 2016, I regularly visited a natural hot spring in the area to relax and enjoy the remote countryside. The place got busy at times, but generally it was quite low-key, mostly visited by residents of the Peninsula enjoying a night away from the work grind.
After traveling for some time, I visited the same hot spring a couple of years later, and somehow, during this time, the place exploded. It wasn’t a hidden gem anymore, but now an Instagram hotspot for tourists from all over the shop.
I was surprised to see that the pools were full of people who were frantically guarding their spots while propping their phones on rocks and posing for the perfect photo opportunities. There was a sense of haste in the air as particular pools had tourists lining up with their phones waiting to get the golden photo.
But here’s the ironic part… Nobody seemed to enjoy being there. The photo-goblins would look all tranquil and picturesque as the camera rolled, and then instantly hop out and rush onto the next iconic photo spot like Smรฉagol looking for his precious ring. Unfortunately, this is just one of the many examples of people going overboard seeking validation, where they’re sacrificing a genuinely good time for bragging rights.
Unfortunately, social media has exacerbated the need to feel seen. So many people do activities these days solely for photo opportunities, so that they can post online and feel all special about themselves for a quick moment.
But I’ve never seen someone so obsessed with their image seem genuinely happy. Perhaps it’s because they’re always trying to one-up themselves, anxious to post the next photo to luxuriate in applause for a moment, and then they’re back to square one when that eagerly-awaited dopamine hit fades away.
In general, people are becoming increasingly disconnected as life becomes a race for external fulfillment. Only short-lived sparks of pleasure come from witty post likes, Tinder matches, or your Instagram admirers. But never true fulfilment. While a growing number of people seek happiness outward through recognition, we’re also losing touch with authentic joy, the one that can’t be found externally.
I suspect this is a big reason why youth, especially, are facing a mental health epidemic. As if being hooked on a drug, people are misled into chasing dopamine fixes and neglecting to search for true substance. People seldom go into the world with the enthusiasm to seek wonderful experiences, indulge in amazing relationships, or live life to the brim without being consumed by an artificial pursuit that happiness is earned rather than discovered.
What’s the Difference Between Seeking Validation and Seeking Approval?
Seeking validation and seeking approval are closely related but have subtle differences. Validation-seeking behavior is about affirming your worth, existence, or feelings, which is often tied to identity and self-esteem. When you seek validation, you’re looking for someone to confirm that your experiences are acceptable to others, therefore, it becomes a reflection of your self-worth.
For example, posting something vulnerable online and hoping people say, “You’re right to feel this way,” is seeking validation. Traveling with the intent of eliciting reactions like “wow, you’re so cool” or “you’re so adventurous” scratches that itch to be recognized.
Seeking approval, on the other hand, is more about getting permission for the things you do. You’re trying to gain acceptance for your actions or decisions. For example, asking your friend if they think itโs okay to pursue a risky career move and hoping they say yes is a form of seeking approval.
Therefore, the key difference is that seeking validation aims to validate something about yourself, so you know it’s okay to be a certain way. Approval is to approve your actions or behaviors.
Why Seeking Validation Is a Problem
On the surface, seeking validation may seem harmless, but when it takes over, it starts to numb down your quality of life, where the more obsessed you become with seeking validation, the more you become dependent on it for your emotional well-being. The desire to be seen becomes a cycle where you’re no longer doing things for yourself, you’re doing them for the reaction.
Validation-seeking can quietly become an obsession, where needing emotional reassurance from others starts to control the quality of your life. Here’s how it can harm you:
- It drains your energy as you perform for others and suppresses how you genuinely feel
- It makes you vulnerable to influence, leading to decisions that arenโt in your best interest
- It pulls you away from authenticity and toward conformity
- It keeps you chasing momentary highs instead of lasting fulfillment
- It sets you in the wrong direction for spiritual growth
The truth is, you donโt need anyoneโs stamp of approval to be your authentic self, and you will never achieve lasting happiness if you’re constantly chasing artificial highs.
My main issue with validation-seeking behavior is that it diverts us away from authenticity, something that I see as a prerequisite for real healing and growth. We should be striving to become our most authentic selves because that is how we can be real with ourselves. As we step more into true self-expression, you feel like a burden has been lifted.
Yes, some people might judge you for being yourself, but your worth was never up for debate to begin with. Once you accept that, the need for other people to reassure you begins to fade.
Why You Seek Validation
Validation-seeking behavior often starts in childhood, where weโre conditioned to earn approval. Maybe you were praised for being a good student, an obedient child, or a good role model. That feedback felt good, so naturally, you started seeking it out.
Seeking some validation isn’t a problem. In small doses, it can even help build your self-esteem, but here’s the issue…
When our ideas, beliefs, or actions are slightly unconventional, the lack of validation can deter us from stepping forward authentically and seeking calibration with the higher self (which is often shunned by a lower society). We begin seeking the thumbs up from others, and shut down the inner voice that is telling us to do what’s in our best interest.
People who rely on external validation are often misguided. After all, this is why so many women flaunt their bodies, strip naked, and engage in erotic pleasure on camera, because they rack up an audience that makes them feel special. It’s why people chase the best photos on Instagram and forget to enjoy themselves, because to them, nothing quite rivals the desire to be seen.
People’s metrics for success, happiness, or what they consider to be good ideas are often backwards. If you’re relying on a dysfunctional society to give you the tick of approval, then you’re being misguided.
Social media turns validation into a game where every like is a point on the scoreboard. The more you post, the more you feed that need for external recognition. Itโs a lose-lose situation that often leads to worthlessness when we’re not validated, and obsession when we are.
Not to say that people shouldn’t share their ideas and try to make something of themselves, but it must have true value that exceeds the desire to be recognized.
You Have Self-Worth Issues
People tend to seek validation when they have low self-worth. Think of it as a sort of compensation. When you donโt believe youโre enough on your own, you naturally look outside of yourself for confirmation. Itโs like walking around with a mirror that reflects how others see you, not how you truly are.
This is a dangerous game to play because it sets up a feedback loop where your sense of value is tied to how much approval you get. If you post something and it doesnโt get likes, you feel invisible. If someone criticizes you, it cuts deeper than it should. You end up constantly trying to fix yourself just to be seen as good enough in someone elseโs eyes.
But there’s a cost. Fixing yourself for the benefit of others is an investment of lots of time and energy that doesn’t pay back. It’s like investing your money on someone else’s behalf. Until you do that inner work, youโll always be hungry for something outside of you to prove that you matter.
You Felt Emotionally Neglected as a Child
Many people who chronically seek validation grew up in environments where love and approval were conditional. Maybe your parents only praised you when you got good grades or behaved a certain way. Maybe they withheld affection, dismissed your feelings, or were too distracted to notice you at all.
As a child, you donโt have the tools to understand emotional neglect. You just internalize the message: I need to be good to be loved. So you start molding yourself into the version of you that gets approval, and therefore always try to meet the expectations of others. Over time, this survival strategy turns into your identity.
Even as an adult, that inner child is still seeking what it never got, which is emotional recognition. This often shows up as people-pleasing, overachieving, or a constant need for reassurance. Until you recognize the root of it, youโll keep chasing validation in ways that leave you feeling empty.
The Ego Is Out of Check
The egoโs favorite drug is attention. It wants to be someone. So when you chase validation, youโre often feeding a part of you that leads you away from your higher self that wants to be authentic and genuinely fulfilled, and towards the smaller you that wants recognition.
The ego canโt tolerate being unimportant. It doesnโt like humility, and thatโs why it constantly craves more recognition. Ironically, feeding your ego is like shovelling food into a black hole. It’s never satisfied, and it always wants more.
When your ego is in the driverโs seat, authenticity gets tossed in the trunk. You stop expressing your soul and start curating a character. When you realize that you donโt need to be seen to be valuable, you start living in a completely different frequency.
The Best Ways to Stop Seeking Validation
True freedom starts when you let go of the need to impress anyone. When you stop chasing approval, you stop feeding the ego. And when the ego quiets down, you finally get to hear yourself. Not a facade, but the real you buried underneath the noise.
Hereโs the humbling truth: most people donโt care what you do. Theyโre too caught up in their own narratives to be constantly analyzing yours. And even when they do notice, itโs often through the lens of comparison or envy.
In a competitive, image-obsessed culture, your success might not inspire others. It might just trigger them, but thatโs not your fault. You could spend your whole life trying to be seen, and still feel invisible. Or you could let go, unplug a little, and start living instead of performing.
I know the route I’d rather take. It might not feel good to start with, especially when you no longer get those sweet dopamine hits of being validated, but as long as you constantly bring your awareness back to this desire to choose authenticity over image, you’re setting yourself on a better path.
Letโs break it down. Hereโs how you start reclaiming your life from the clutches of validation:
It All Starts With Self-Awareness
You canโt change what you donโt see, so the first step is noticing when youโre chasing validation.
Are you posting something just to get attention? Are you fishing for compliments when youโre feeling down? Pay attention to the patterns. Awareness alone doesnโt fix the problem, but it shines a light on whatโs been running rampant in the background.
Ask yourself: “Would I still do this if no one ever saw it?” That one question can reveal a lot about your motives.
Then ask yourself: “How do I feel when nobody recognizes the things I do?” Your hard work, your beautiful photos, your acts of charity or service. Do you feel deflated when nobody sees these things, or cares?
The more honest you are with yourself, the easier it becomes to walk away from habits that donโt serve your growth, and do things for you, not because you want to be seen.
Detox from Social Media
Social media is like validation crack. In fact, it’s so addictive that we have entire generations hooked on it.
Every like, comment, or follow gives you a hit of dopamine, and itโs designed that way. I’ll be honest, I sometimes find myself hooked on this validation crack too, posting photos of my living my best life, and getting disappointed when nobody cares. Posting an article or video, and eagerly checking the statistics to see how it’s performing.
The best remedy: Take a break. Get out in nature, do some yoga, read a book, strip yourself to raw and untamed, where you’re not constantly thinking about your performance. It’s funny, I always feel great when I get away from all the social media. It’s when I’m constantly posting, checking, analyzing… it starts to get depressing.
But I get that technology is an integrated part of life. You may rely on it for work, to make money, to keep in touch with loved ones, or for many other reasons. Therefore, if you canโt do a full detox, you can still use these tools, but use them with purpose rather than as a mirror for your worth.
Share something meaningful. Post art, insights, or helpful content that comes from the heart, as a direct extension of your soul. When you shift your relationship with these platforms, they lose their grip on you. You become the one in control, not the algorithm.
Reclaim Your Inner Voice
What do you want, outside of what everyone else expects? Get clear on your values and passions, and start making decisions based on your authentic desires. When you start being true to who you are, youโll attract people who love you for the real you, not for the persona youโve built up.
So, start speaking your truth, even if it’s not popular. Express yourself even if others think you are crazy. Get clear on your values, passions, and vision… Then act from that place. When you start building a life based on your inner alignment, not just what looks good on paper, youโll feel more powerful than you ever did chasing praise.
Live for You!
You get to decide whether life is a brutal competition where you will never be enough, and probably spend your best years trying to be, or whether you live life you you.
When you live for you, the focus of your life revolves around enjoying the experience, not about performing for an audience. The truth is that you donโt need likes, followers, or constant validation to feel whole. Your self-worth isnโt determined by external recognition, it comes from continuously working on yourself and committing yourself to a journey of self-discovery.
When you live authentically without worrying about how others perceive you, youโll find a much deeper sense of peace and fulfillment. And thatโs the kind of happiness that lasts.
So, decide to stop playing the validation-seeking game, and realize that life is full of amazing opportunities that need not be captured, but are so much better when they’re fully lived.