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We all know that humility is a positive characteristic, so naturally, we want to be humble. In a nutshell, humility plays an important role in personal growth, self-awareness, and building healthy relationships, not to mention itโs also a good look. Itโs an important characteristic to have, but letโs be honestโฆ
Are you humble because it genuinely makes you feel good, or because it reflects well on you?
Many people want to be humble just because itโs a good look. Therefore, they end up swallowing their pride and playing the part for brownie points. But doing it just for the image leads to false humility โ the appearance of being humble without actually being humble.
I donโt think anyone ever thinks โYou know what? I want people to see me as a selfish assholeโ. But most people want others to see us as shining beacons of light because itโs good for the ego.
In this sense, humility is often a show, itโs a mask to wear. People try to look humble and therefore, forfeit all the benefits of actually being humble. They become inauthentic, leading to disintegration and a skewed sense of self.
This is why itโs crucial to recognize false humility and take steps towards developing genuine humility. Genuinely humble people donโt perceive themselves to be more advanced or more important than anyone else. Theyโre simply sharing what they know, and doing it with heart.
Therefore, being humble is one thing, but it doesnโt make a difference unless you feel humble. It must be genuine because if youโre holding your tongue for the sake of looking humble, youโre not progressing. So letโs take a look at the difference between false humility and genuine humility in this article, and explore how you can embrace the latter.
What Is False Humility?
False humility is when youโre trying to appear humble rather than genuinely feeling humble. It often involves downplaying yourself to appear modest and discreetly seeking validation, approval, or recognition. It can take the form of brushing off compliments, minimizing successes, or deflecting praise while secretly hoping for recognition.
False humility is often a way of controlling our image to be seen as a selfless, positive person. Sometimes, it might even work, but as long as weโre wearing a mask, we will never see the depth of our dysfunction. If you can put on a mask to be seen in a positive light, you have no incentive to become more positive.
People who pretend to be humble are often driven by validation. They put on an act to look good, rather than being integral to the feelings, beliefs, and values associated with humility. In the same way that you wonโt heal a wound if youโre pretending to be tough and ignoring it, you wonโt work on yourself to become genuinely humble if youโre fooling yourself.
People who are falsely humble are still very much caught in an ego complex, while humble people live outside of their egos and act from a place of heart.
Some people might think theyโre humble when they downplay their abilities, but in truth, itโs often a tactic. They want people to think, โOh wow, this personโs so humble!โ Therefore, they act in a way that gives them brownie points.
False humility can be surprisingly easy to miss because sometimes we donโt recognize it in ourselves. This is why recognition is so important. If youโre on a personal growth journey, you should always value the long and often daunting path to genuine change rather than taking the shortcut for temporary benefit.
When we recognize false humility in ourselves, we can take steps to replace it with authenticity. This shift allows us to accept praise without guilt and recognize our achievements without fearing theyโll make us look prideful. Instead, we can focus on acknowledging our strengths and weaknesses and being more down-to-earth without feeling overly important.
Distinguishing Genuine Humility vs False Humility
So, letโs first identify what genuine humility looks like. People who are genuinely humble:
- Donโt feel a need for external validation: If youโre genuinely humble, you donโt care what other people think of you. If people validate your actions or behaviors, so be it, if they donโt, it wonโt change a thing.
- Donโt talk themselves up: Regardless of what you have achieved, you donโt feel the need to prove yourself by boasting or drawing attention to yourself. You are genuinely fulfilled through your actions, not from the validation or praise from others, therefore, you donโt seek it out.
- Donโt feel jealous of others: Feeling jealous of other peopleโs achievements is a red flag. Humble people see the value in everyone and perceive us all as being on the same team. This means you are happy for the success of others and encourage them forward.
- Listen more than they speak: Being genuinely humble means youโre on a constant path of learning โ meaning you always strive to understand different perspectives, ideas, and beliefs. You recognize that there is always something more to learn, that everyone is a teacher, and you never consider yourself to have mastered anything.
- Donโt combat people: If youโre humble, youโre not in the business of combatting other people, even if you believe they are wrong. You will understand that everyone has different perspectives, and they may be seeing something you arenโt.
On the other hand, false humility is the greedy, jealous counterpart of humility. Here are a few ways it might manifest:
- You often fish for compliments: This could look like saying, โOh, it was nothingโ when youโve put in a ton of effort and want others to acknowledge it. Or when someone dismisses their success just to hear others reassure them how impressive they are.
- You use self-deprecating humor to receive positive reinforcement: Sometimes, people use humor to downplay themselves, hoping others will jump in with positive reinforcement. Often, self-deprecating humor is fine, but when itโs a covert bid for encouragement.
- You perform โgood deedsโ but Seek Recognition for them: True humility means doing good without seeking praise. False humility, however, often looks like helping others but subtly bringing it up later so others can admire the generosity. This is also a common PR stunt for politicians, companies, and enterprises.
- You avoid praise out of Fear of seeming arrogant: Many falsely humble people brush off compliments. False humility rejects acknowledgment out of a need to appear modest.
- You tend to virtue signal: One of my biggest pet peeves is virtue signaling to show others that youโre morally superior to them. Many โhumbleโ people seek brownie points by showing others just how โgoodโ they are. They may not say it, but theyโll scream through their actions to admire them.
Donโt get me wrong, itโs good to be humble as long as itโs balanced. However, those feelings of humility must be authentic. If youโre trying to be humble and taking shortcuts to do so, then youโre probably doing more damage than good.
False humility is a problem because while authenticity leads to genuine growth and healing, inauthenticity leads to disintegration. When pretending to be a certain way without feeling congruent with it, we create a discrepancy.
To avoid the trap of false humility, you need to focus on the intrinsic values of humility rather than the image. Focusing on your feelings and desires gets to the root of the issue, while attempting to solely behave in a way that gets you spiritual brownie points is a shortcutโฆ off a cliff.
Hereโs the thing.
False humility is about how you look on the outside and is focused on your image. Genuine humility is about how you feel on the inside, and it has nothing to do with your image. You can fake your image but you canโt fake your feelings.
Therefore, donโt focus on your actions because theyโre not a good indication of humility. Focus on feeling genuinely humble, and youโre on a better path.
To be fair, we all want to be recognized to some extent. We want to prove our existence, and this is what the ego thrives off. After all, recognition plays a big role in social status and our perceived level of success in life, therefore it has value.
In this day and age, itโs best to focus on balance.
Itโs fine to have some pride, however, it should be moderated with humility โ to not get a big head out of your achievements or perceive yourself to be more valuable than anyone else. Sure, itโs great when our hard work is recognized, but we shouldnโt be looking for that recognition.
So the real question comes down to your desire for validation. Have you ever asked yourself why you desire external validation, reinforcement, or approval? Usually, thereโs a deeper underlying issue that causes false modesty.
If we want to fix the problem, and need to get to the roots of it.
Why Do You Seek External Validation?
People often seek validation when they feel they have something to prove. This desire to prove yourself can be a manifestation of cultural conditioning, among other things. After all, our entire social system revolves around this elusive idea of success, so it tends to weigh heavily.
Cultural and social conditioning can be influencing factors in determining why people want to present an image aligned with virtue, happiness, and success, but on the other hand, a lack of humility can stem from self-worth issues.
The desire to prove yourself is likely due to feelings of deep-rooted inadequacy, and you seek external validation to cover the wound of inadequacy.
People often overcompensate by boasting about their achievements or successes because deep down they feel theyโre not good enough. This is often why people seek validation, or approval because they donโt feel worthy so they look for positive reinforcement.
On the other hand, people who are secure in themselves are generally more humble because they donโt have a hole theyโre trying to fill with external validation. Genuinely humble people feel worthy which is why they donโt seek recognition. They recognize themselves, and since they value themselves, their cup is already full.
Therefore, the real target here is to work on your self-worth, as genuine humility is a byproduct of it.
This is why humility can be difficult when you feel you are lacking. Consider the areas of your life where you feel inadequate. Identify whether you are covering that hole with validation, and how you feel if you donโt receive validation for others.
Stating our achievements makes us feel like weโre winning the game, so what you need to do is go cold turkey and inspect where it hurts.
For example, during my youth when I hadnโt yet acquired dating skills, I had to spout to my friends about every romantic success I had. This made me feel like I was worthy. Not mentioning my occasional successes made me feel like a loser.
Now, being more mature, I donโt feel the desire to tell people about my dating life. If they ask, sure, Iโll be honest, regardless of whatโs happening at that time in my life, but Iโm not looking to talk about it or wonโt bring it up in conversation. Itโs an area of my life I feel quite fulfilled in, so my behavior corresponds.
Learn to be honest and avoid bringing up topics that rub your ego unless youโre asked.
How to Develop Genuine Humility
As with any personal development pursuit, it can take time, patience, and practice to become more humble. Itโs important not to treat humility as a switch but rather a seed that must be cultivated over time โ a manifestation of your inner workings, feelings, and state of consciousness.
Here are some things to consider:
- Youโre NEVER a master: Realize that no matter how high you climb, there is always another level of learning. Therefore, never refer to yourself as a master. Other people may if they believe so, but you shouldnโt.
- Speak from experience: Talk from your personal experiences and what youโve learned through them. Avoid blanket statements or matter-of-fact statements.
- Listen more than you speak: Every person has valuable information, traits, and qualities that you can learn from. Direct your focus to learning rather than assuming you know it all.
Here are some things to avoid:
- Assuming youโre highly respected: There is no need to tell people youโre highly respected. Sometimes, I hear people do this to prove a point or flaunt their authority in a space, but it sounds foolish at best. The evidence will speak for itselfโฆ if itโs true.
- Telling people you know: Even if you know a subject well that someone is talking about, donโt combat people when they tell you things you already know. Avoid cutting them off to tell them you already know that. Perhaps listen to understand their perspective.
- Donโt boast about your following: Regarding social media, regardless of how many people youโre connected to, itโs best to take a modest approach or avoid the topic altogether. Telling people that you have a big following or that youโre a celebrity or influencer is lame.
- Believing you know more than others: This comes from a position of arrogance. Assume there is always something to learn from everyone, and there is always something that every person has a unique perspective or understanding of.
- Telling people youโre successful: Let it speak for itself.
- Telling people youโre spiritual: Weโre all spiritual. It doesnโt matter how spiritually advanced you think you are, or how much wisdom you have, people often develop a spiritual ego in this area. Take a modest approach and avoid talking about your spiritual pursuits unless relevant.
Now that weโve gone through a few humility dos and donโts, letโs look at some more in-depth points.
Become a Conduit for Your Influence and Power
Perceiving yourself as a conduit for any wealth, influence, and power you have is the first point I want to make, and probably the most important shift you can make. Rather than seeing yourself as the sole creator of everything you have, a humble view is to see yourself as a vessel for god to work through.
If the power is not yours, but rather a universal force that is passing through you, then you will see yourself as a messenger. Thereโs a reason why people in spiritual leadership positions tend to perceive themselves as conduits for their power because it keeps them humble which is important in any spiritual pursuit.
Now, some people may get head-full when they think about it this way โ thinking theyโre the messenger of god. This isnโt the approach weโre going for. Youโre a messenger, as is every person who walks this Earth, most people just donโt realize it.
Stop Focusing On What Others Think of You
We tend to get caught up in our narratives and forget that everyone else is caught in theirs too. Therefore, weโre trying to prove ourselves to people who arenโt paying attention to us.
The truth isโฆ nobody cares what youโre up to. Itโs not because theyโre selfish or self-centered, nobody is watching you closely because theyโre focused on themselves. Therefore, when youโre thinking about proving yourself in some form, remember that your success is the least of their concerns.
Start building the muscle of not caring what others think about your life, and remember that you have nothing to prove to them. Focusing on your joy is a better road to take.
Donโt Make Comparisons
Most of us tend to compare ourselves, or our progress to other people. This is a lose-lose situation because youโre stepping away from genuine humility. To beat false humility, try to not care too much about where people are in life compared to you. Itโs a slippery slope into self-centeredness.
Just as I was writing this, I checked out someoneโs Instagram I know and saw that they have a relatively large following. For a moment, I felt envious, overshadowed, and even feeling a little sorry for myself before bringing it back to Earth.
A deeper part of me kicked in saying โThis doesnโt matter, why do you even care?โ Itโs normal to feel a little envious of people who have made it further than us in some regard but remember, we all shine in different areas. Own it, but donโt bloat about it.
Lean Into Your Vulnerabilities
Naturally, we want to be a little protective about our vulnerabilities. Ideally, I would say that we can be completely open with everyone, but in the real world, sometimes people take advantage. Lean into your vulnerabilities by expressing yourself, showing emotion, and being transparent, but donโt be too trusting.
For example, admitting that you donโt know something and being willing to learn from others is a sign of humility. But of course, you must be genuinely curious. You must want to know and be honest. When you step into your vulnerabilities, you feel more free in a way.
You wonโt shy away from questions or avoid certain discussions because theyโre sensitive or perhaps because you donโt have a great answer. Rather, you will be transparent and allow people to see you for who you are because you find strength in it.
Speak About Your Achievements After
Part of the trap of ego is to talk about what we are doing or want to do. We soak up all the validation and often become complacent because we have already gotten what we were looking for. Iโm certainly guilty of this and feel ashamed when I donโt meet these preimposed expectations.
A better way to approach this is to speak about your achievements after you have achieved them. For example, if you just finished your medical degree, donโt tell people youโre a doctor. Be honest with yourself. Even so, donโt bring it up unless youโre asked or itโs relevant to the conversation, otherwise, youโre fishing for compliments.
Let recognition for what you do organically come to you. Donโt seek it out, especially if you havenโt yet achieved it yet.
Speak From Your Personal Experiences
Something I often do is talk about things from an objective perspective. I will tell people about the spiritual dimensions, spirits, and energies as fact. What Iโve learned is to speak from my personal experiences. Iโm not claiming to know anything, but I will lay out my experiences and speak from perspective rather than fact.
Some good phrases to use include:
- From my experiences, Iโฆ
- I believeโฆ.
- Iโm not entirely sure, butโฆ
- My understanding isโฆ.
- This is what I was taughtโฆ
- This is what I knowโฆ
Itโs best to take a more modest approach when it comes to speaking about what you know, especially if itโs contested.
Keep Learning!
Have you ever heard the phrase: The more you know, the less you know? Well, I know so incredibly little that it would blow your mind!
Jokes aside, have you noticed that the more you learn about any given topic, the more about it you realize you donโt know? More information is illuminated as you dig into any concept, perspective, or idea, and only by learning we can realize how ignorant we were.
I once heard the phrase, โThere is no such thing as mastery because we are all students of lifeโ. I agree because mastery implies that you know it all when there is always more to know. Therefore, realize that you probably just know a slither of the information out there, despite how much you know, and talk about it from this perspective.
Put It Into Perspective
At the end of the day, sometimes we just need to put it into perspective. Look outside at the stars. Think about how big this world is, and how small you are. Think about how much is happening all around you at all times, and that youโre just one person.
This isnโt intended to deflate you by any means, but it does help to realize that youโre just one person. It doesnโt matter. You will live, you will die, as we all do.
Learn to see the beauty in the temporary nature of all things, in your mortality, and realize that the world will continue spinning with you or without you. Sometimes, you just need that step back, and to put it all into perspective.