We all want to be liked. After all, weโre social creatures. We grow up in families, communities, and booming social hierarchies. Itโs a normal human need to want to belong, but thereโs a fine line between being a part of the pack and broadcasting it to them.
When we try too hard to belong, thatโs when we enter the territory of people-pleasing. And if youโre not already aware, people-pleasing has the opposite effect of whatโs intended.
People pleasers come off as needy and insecure, having nothing better to do than gain the approval of others. Itโs a disempowering position, and people-pleasing smells like a foul odor.
You are better than that. Iโm sure you know why people-pleasing sucks, but you still do it. You do it because you havenโt gotten to the roots of it.
Here weโre going to look at the root cause of this behavior. Why are you desperate for approval, and how can you validate yourself?
Why Do You People Please?
People-pleasing isnโt something that we deliberately do. We do it because there is a deep underlying need to be approved by peers. Because if our hunter-gatherer minds tell us anything, itโs that together = living, alone = death.
People-pleasing is a coping mechanism. Your primal fear of rejection dictates the need to be accepted by the tribe. So you try extra hard to get on their good side so that you donโt face the risk of being exiled.
But we donโt live in tribes anymore. In the modern social circus, we still feel the fear of rejection, but there are no consequences for being rejected. Itโs just outdated programming that makes us think we need to be on the good side of the big, angry ape that leads the pack.
Signs That Youโre a People Pleaser
- Overcommitting: You make much bigger commitments than you should, and usually for things that arenโt very important.
- Difficulty saying no: You might find it uncomfortable to say no to people, so you just say yes instead.
- Suppressing personal needs: You focus on how you can offer value to others and donโt prioritize your own needs.
- Excessive agreeability: You tend to agree with people regardless of their opinions or beliefs, even if you donโt agree with them.
- Avoidance of conflict: You prefer to avoid conflict at all costs, even if it comes at the expense of swallowing your values.
- You canโt assert yourself: You struggle to stand up for yourself, your beliefs, and values, and instead discount them as inferior or โwrongโ.
- You donโt have a preference: Anything goes, all the time. You rarely state your opinion in case people disapprove. As a result, youโre generally not as vocal as others.
- You give more than you take: You are always giving your time and energy, but you rarely get it back. People come to expect that you will go out of your way for them.
Why the Habit of People-Pleasing Needs to Go
So letโs look at why this habit needs to be curbed.
You are the clear loser here because youโre spending much more of your energy than the people youโre trying to please.
But to add icing to the cake, people tend to respect you less because youโre a try-hard. After all, the bad boys always got the ladies because they didnโt give a crap. People respect that self-confidence and assertiveness, even when itโs slightly (or highly) misguided.
Itโs refreshing when people donโt care and just be themselves. When youโre trying to win someoneโs kindness or attention, youโre instantly disqualifying yourself from being respected.
Beyond stress and burnout from trying too hard, people-pleasing has deeper consequences.
Over time, people-pleasing erodes your self-worth because youโre essentially degrading yourself by valuing other peopleโs time and energy over your own. Youโre putting other people on a pedestal, and this is going to warp your self-perception.
Furthermore, you could be spending that time and energy on yourself to improve your own life. But since youโre wasting it on people who donโt care about you, your growth is stunted.
When you spend your whole life being a people pleaser, it can become difficult to express yourself authentically because youโve become so accustomed to having a persona. That means your authentic self might feel unnatural, and you create more of an aversion to it.
The Root Cause of People Pleasing
The desire to please people comes from a lack of self-worth. If you donโt value yourself, you try to artificially make up that value by being extra helpful.
Changing your behavior is one thing, but people-pleasing is always going to feel natural to you until you learn to value yourself more and heal the root cause of this detrimental self-image.
To get to the bottom of it, itโs necessary to reflect on this behavior and recognize when youโre doing it. Time to start improving your self-image
Building Assertiveness Without Guilt
Interpersonal conflicts trigger a part of you that feels like you need to survive. You donโt feel like the big dog. You feel like the runt that needs to be submissive.
But in todayโs world, you have just as much power as anyone else. Itโs all a perception, and you certainly donโt need to win peopleโs approval to survive. So, what you need to do is learn how to build your assertiveness without feeling like youโre going to be exiled from the village.
Here are some things you can do.
Stop Trying So Hard (Believe Me, Itโs Not Worth It)
I used to be super nice to people whom I didnโt like when there was some sort of friction. If I felt like I was getting on someoneโs bad side, I would suck up to them even more.
I canโt remember a single instance in my life when this worked. Yet, this seemed to happen at every single job. I always got on someoneโs bad side, and I had no idea why. This was a negative pattern that I continued to manifest until I got comfortable with not being liked by everyone.
So I developed a different approach. I still treated the person with kindness, but once it got to a point, I stopped trying altogether.
Why put in the effort when it just doesnโt work out for me? So, I minimized interacting with the person as much as possible. I would still be polite when I did, but otherwise, I just didnโt put in the effort, and you know what?
It felt good!
One time at a job working in an airport restaurant, one of the guys I worked with just didnโt like me. He usually ignored me, and I would reciprocate by constantly trying to make conversation, help him out, and just try way too hard to get along with him. But of course, he would give me the cold shoulder.
So I decided to stop.
At first, it was awkward, but then it became normal. One day, the person flipped, and suddenly, he was engaging me, showing interest in my life, and genuinely being kind.
I responded pleasantly, asked some questions back, and moved on. From that moment, this person had a very different attitude towards me. He treated me more like a friend because the power dynamic changed when I stopped trying.
In my experience, disengaging people, apart from necessary communication, signals a message. People tend to reflect once they realize theyโre no longer wearing the pants. The person thinks โWait, am I the asshole?โ This often causes them to change their attitude towards you.
Remember, you donโt need to be friends with everyone. If someone doesnโt want to be your friend, thatโs on them, not you. So donโt treat it like itโs your problem.
Learn How to Put Your Own Needs First
Itโs great to want to help others and all, but if youโre a people pleaser, thatโs the least of your concerns. You need to counterbalance helping others by putting yourself first. This just comes down to self-care.
I donโt mean this in an egocentric sort of way. But likely, you put everyone elseโs desires before your own, and this comes at the compromise of your own needs. So you need to be a little bit selfish.
To you, it might feel like youโre being an asshole. To other people, it probably comes across as reasonable. So, before you do anything, think about whether itโs in your best interest to do so. Sure, you can let little favors slide here and there, but otherwise, prioritize your own needs.
Begin Voicing Your Opinions More Often
Opinions are like assholes. Everyoneโs got one. But youโve made yourself an exception to that rule because your opinions might not go over with some people.
You might not think that your opinion is wanted, but more than likely, your opinion is a welcome change. Even if you donโt resonate with someoneโs opinion, thereโs something nice about people speaking their truth and having an opinion.
What terrifies me is living in a world where people are like robots and everyone just conforms without voicing what they think. Donโt let this be you. Be vocal about your truth, especially when itโs being attacked.
Identify Where Your Boundaries Are and Enforce Them
If you donโt want to do something, donโt do it. You can reject a proposal in a courteous way that doesnโt hurt anyone. When someone offers you something that you donโt want, just say โIโm good, but thank youโ.
If someone is asking you to do something you donโt want to do, you can tell them your reasoning, but I find itโs easier to just tell people that I donโt want to.
You don’t need to justify why you don’t want to do something, and if someone is pressuring you, they almost certainly don’t have your needs at heart, so don’t be afraid to give them the cold shoulder.
If thereโs one thing youโve learned from this whole ordeal, itโs that you should never let people take advantage of you. You might think youโre being the better person at the time, but you always end up feeling like you sold out afterward.
So you need to form a crystal clear idea of where your boundaries are and assert them when someone tries to cross them. And I would say that people do cross them because they so easily get away with it, and know they will. Show them that you take yourself seriously, and youโre not a free meal.
Be Aware of People Pleasing in Relationships
When youโre with someone whom you feel is out of your league (or youโre trying to win them over), people-pleasing is detrimental.
Aside from dating skills 101: The nice guy doesnโt get the girl, people pleasing in relationships can prematurely end it too. Thatโs because people want to feel like theyโre an equal. If youโre with someone whoโs kissing your feet and trying to win your love, then itโs not a very strong foundation for a relationship.
But removed from attraction dynamics, people-pleasing causes other problems.
Firstly, you may suppress your true thoughts and feelings to meet the perceived expectations of your partner. You will do what makes them happy at the sacrifice of your happiness.
Over time, the faรงade of constant agreeability can lead to a lack of genuine communication as your true desires remain unexpressed. This can also lead to things like resentment, mistrust, and all sorts of issues.
You might feel like youโre not being appreciated for all the effort youโre putting in, which can lead to breakdowns in communication. This is how more of my relationships than I would like to admit had ended, because I didnโt express myself.
A healthy relationship thrives on mutual understanding, respect for individual boundaries, and the freedom to express oneโs true self.
To stop people-pleasing in a relationship, hereโs what you need to do:
- Identify how much you people please, and for what reason
- Stop giving if you rarely take. There should be some sort of energy exchange
- Practice saying no to things in a polite way
- Establish clear boundaries with your partner
- Openly communicate with your partner. Tell your partner how youโre feeling and why youโre feeling this way
Stop People Pleasing: Learn to Become More Genuine
Not being a people pleaser doesnโt mean you canโt be nice. Honestly, it comes down to being genuine above all else because people-pleasing is a facade to be liked. Your behavior is not integral to how youโre feeling, and this is an issue.
If you were being kind out of genuine love for the person, itโs a much different story. But since youโre trying to please them, you have a hidden agenda. Youโre looking for something, whether itโs attention, friendship, brownie points, approval, or whatever it may be.
Therefore, being authentic with how you actually feel is a powerful antidote to people pleasing. Letโs look at how you can become more authentic here.
Start by Being Congruent With Your Emotions
Itโs good to be genuinely kind. I base my life around the values of kindness and generosity, but now Iโve found a healthy balance. If itโs not genuine kindness, as I donโt care about the person, it comes off as crummy and weak.
Again, itโs good to be kind, but it should be because you genuinely want to bring a smile to peopleโs lives, not because you want to improve their perception of you.
If youโre not feeling it, donโt wear a mask. Own your feelings and be congruent with your mood at the time.
Slowly Build Up Your Self-Worth
Thereโs no way around this one. Part of why you people please is because you donโt feel worthy of loving yourself. Because you donโt feel worthy, you feel you need to win it, rather than respect being something that youโre entitled to.
Building up your self-worth is a mission on its own. Thereโs no shortcut to perceiving yourself in a better light. It takes time and effort.
I can assure you that there is something valuable about you. There are things that you unknowingly offer that you just donโt recognize.
Maybe itโs your intelligence, your generosity, your wisdom, your good heart. Maybe youโve got a calm energy, an unusual perspective that others can learn from, or a difficult life journey that people can be inspired by.
You are valuable in one way or another. Identify why youโre a valuable person and what you have that a lot of people donโt. Understand that people benefit from your value, but they are not entitled to it. So own it!
Cultivating Healthier Relationships With People-Pleasers
On the other hand, people-pleasing is wanting to help someone who is trying to impress you.
When you notice someone trying to earn your love or affection, it is important to point their attention toward this behavior gently and reassuringly.
Tell the person that you want them to make more decisions or that you want them to be more vocal about their opinions. Whenever the person says something along the lines of โIโm fine with anything, up to you,โ remind them that theyโre just handing you the responsibility, and you donโt want it.
Put the pressure back on them every time they try to handball the decision to you. This will force them to start taking the lead by acting on their desires.
