Neediness is a killer. It skews the power balance of relationships โ And often dismantles them. Even though the intentions are usually not nefarious, neediness is a harmful habit that needs to go.
Neediness in a relationship is never a good look because your partner wants to be with an independent person. Your partner does not want to mother you or father you. They want a leader who is competent, capable, and desirable… Which is why you need to become just that!
If you feel like youโre starting to cling on, first, I need to commend your self-awareness. With that said, itโs time to empower yourself to become the leader your partner wants.
This article isnโt about how you can change someone else. Itโs about how you can change to create more fulfilling relationships. With that said, let’s look at how you can get out of this frame of need, and become a more attractive, desirable partner.
Start by Being Aware of Your Needy Behavior
Giving your partner more freedom when theyโre with you will help you maintain a more fulfilling relationship.
Showing your partner love and affection, but also space signals that youโre secure in yourself. If youโre clinging to your partner, It shows them openly that you are not worthy of their time โ so you need to take as much as you can. Youโre signaling that youโre below them, otherwise you would value your own space more.
The result: Your partner will eventually lose attraction towards you and seek out an equal.
This is why itโs important to recognize when youโre becoming overattached so you can empower yourself to become magnetic rather than repulsive.
People donโt necessarily intend to be needy. This sort of behavior is a manifestation of their insecurities. If you find yourself clinging to relationships or obsessing over someone, you need to ask yourself why you feel this way.
Try to accept yourself for who you are and stop judging yourself. Understand that itโs okay to be alone, to let people go, to go your own way. Part of lifeโs adventure is in being separate.
Often, people you to someone because you feel that this person is the best you can get. You are afraid of losing that person and feeling worthless because you no longer have the one gem in your life.
But this isn’t a healthy dynamic, not at all. I’ve seen more relationships fade away due to neediness than by anything else. By latching onto people, you might think this behavior will convince them to stay with you, but it has the opposite effect.
Identifying Needy Behavior in Past Relationships
People become needy when they donโt feel worthy. It comes from a state of insecurity, not a state of power or love. For the most part, people arenโt aware that theyโre being needy towards their partner. Awareness is a corridor to results.
The quality of your interpersonal relationships is determined by how you navigate them. You wonโt attract a desirable partner until you become one yourself.
When striving to become the best person you can be and the leader that you should be, you will have more fulfilling relationships where everyone feels good.
To identify when youโre becoming over-attached, itโs important to identify whether itโs a reoccurring pattern in your life. When you identify where youโre going wrong, thatโs when you can begin looking for solutions.
Think about the following points.
- What toxic patterns have been prevalent in many of your relationships? Do they continue today?
- Think about how much you need to be around your partner. Do you smother your partner or give them space?
- Do you try to control or manipulate your partner?
- Do you tend to get angry or frustrated when your partner wants some space?
- Are you constantly wondering where your partner is, calling them, waiting for them to call you?
- Do you get anxious or nervous when you are not around your partner?
- When your partner doesnโt call or check in, do you get worried about them?
- Do you find that you regularly need your partnerโs guidance and support, even for little things?
- Are you regularly looking for affirmation, affection, and reassurance from your partner?
- Do you try to control your partnerโs actions?
- Do you find that itโs usually you seeking out your partner or them coming to you?
- Think about your partnerโs mannerisms, attitudes, and behaviors when around you. Does your partner genuinely enjoy you being around, or is it making them uncomfortable?
- Does your partner look for excuses to get away from you?
- Do you get upset or jealous when your partner sees their friends?
- Do you often make your partner feel guilty for not being with you?
If needy behavior is a common trend in your relationships, it tells you that itโs probably an unhealed trauma thatโs causing it. If itโs something new, then itโs important to look at why youโre developing this behavior, whatโs triggering it, and how you can resolve it.
How You Can Stop Being So Needy
Now that weโve touched on why you may feel over-attached to your partner, letโs look at some shifts you can make to empower yourself. These suggestions are here to help you become the anchor of your own life instead of relying on someone else.
Work on Your Self-Esteem Issues
To overcome neediness, work on your self-esteem, and learn to see yourself as a worthy individual. A reason why youโre latching onto your significant other could be due to your poor view of yourself. If you see yourself as unworthy, youโre going to try and hold onto what you have instead of striving for something better.
Learn to see yourself as a desirable person. By improving your self-image, you wonโt need to cling to anyone anymore because you value yourself. Try to build a mentality that people are free to come and go from your life. If they stay around, you know that itโs because they genuinely want to and not because they โhaveโ to.
Once you learn to value yourself while feeling confident and secure, other people will value you too, because emotions are contagious. When you give people complete freedom in a relationship, it shows strength and integrity. These are values that you do want to be associated with, and if anything, these values will make people more attracted to you.
Put Your Partnerโs Needs Before Your Own
Take care of your partner and see them as an individual who also has needs and wants. A relationship is no place to be self-centered. If you are a decent person who wants the best for your partner, youโre naturally going to give them space.
Have some emotional intelligence and make sure that you regard their feelings and emotions. Love is about service, to serve each other. If youโre only taking from the relationship without considering your partnerโs needs, you need to ask yourself, is it love or dependency?
If you truly care about them, then you will let them do whatโs in their best interests, even if youโre not. Thatโs being integral and honorable. Always be an integral person who recognizes the needs and desires of every person you date. Once you become possessive, you have already lost.
Understand All Relationships as Valuable Lessons
A lot of people drain their partners and try to squeeze as much as they can out of them. The mentality you must build is that you are a gift to everyone you build a connection with. The best way to perceive yourself as a gift is by genuinely wanting to be a good person to gives more than they receive.
To overcome neediness and dependency, come from a place of giving instead of taking, and watch your relationships blossom. If you see yourself as a positive force in peopleโs lives, you will gravitate to this standard.
The quality of these people will only get better as long as you continue developing yourself and using every relationship as an opportunity to learn. Donโt settle for any person who comes into your life. Instead, use each relationship to learn from them and build yourself into a better person.
Everyone who enters your life is there to teach you a lesson, as you will teach them too. Are you going to be a teacher of pain, trauma, and avoidance? Will you give people negative lessons so they know to avoid people like you in the future, or will you be a healing presence in their lives and help them develop into better people?
In a functional relationship, youโre helping your partner become a better person than you, and they should be doing the same. You are pushing each other forward out of mutual respect. Understanding that every relationship is loaded with lessons will help you overcome neediness and embrace others with open arms.
When you acknowledge that there are many people to help and many people to learn from, you will see a whole world of people who are treasure chests of valuable information.
Have a Purpose Outside of Your Relationship
A relationship should not change your personal goals and dreams. You should always have a passion in life and a purpose outside of your relationship that you continually strive for. This is why itโs important to have dreams, ambitions, and goals that you are constantly working towards.
Donโt center your entire life around your relationship or your partner. Your relationship should be a part of your life, but not the whole thing.
When your relationship becomes your whole world and you have nothing going for you outside of it, naturally, this will lead to neediness. You need a core that is centered inside you, not inside someone else.
A relationship should organically unfold and never be forced out of oneโs fear or insecurities. It shouldnโt be the cornerstone of your life because relationships will come and go, but a life purpose will stay. By living your best life with or without a partner, you will stop over-prioritizing your relationship.
A relationship does not deter self-responsibility or suspend any occurrences in your life. A partner in a relationship aids, supports, and encourages your growth but will not fix anything. A strong relationship should be perceived as a bond where each counterpart is pushing the other person up.
Both parties should develop feelings for each other naturally, which creates the foundation for a functional relationship. Until you reach that point and mutually develop stronger feelings for one another, donโt rush it. Itโs not a race. Do your thing, follow your calling, and prioritize your lifeโs purpose over a relationship.
Build a Mentality of Abundance
When you open yourself up to the world of relationships, you start to see a stream of people entering and leaving your life. Relationships are fleeting, and not everyone will stay in your life. Many different people will come and go, and you should encourage it.
You must build a mentality of abundance. Realize that people will continue flowing into your life as long as youโre open, receptive, and following a higher purpose. Some relationships will move on quickly. Others might stay for a while. Some people will want your complete devotion, and thatโs only natural.
Think about celebrities and figures with high status. They know that they can get as many dates as they want. They usually donโt need to hang onto something because thereโs an endless supply of high-quality people who want to be a part of their lives. These people are abundant, and this is what makes them magnetic.
This is the mentality that you need to adopt. If you donโt have self-love or see yourself as a catch who is abundant in relationships, you need to do more work on yourself. Itโs important to perceive yourself as a person who is desired and realize that more relationships will continue flowing into your life.
If you see yourself as a desirable person who people want to date, it becomes much easier to let go of what you have. Indulging in a diverse and active romantic life can be a very fun experience. If you have this mentality, you donโt need to grasp so tightly what you have because you know that so much more of it is coming.
Give Your Partner Freedom
Overcome neediness by giving your partner freedom within the relationship. A person wonโt want to be around you if they donโt feel free. Itโs your responsibility to give every partner you have the freedom they deserve. Itโs their life, and they can do whatever they please with it.
Some people become hostile or resentful after parting ways. Others will try to lure the better half back into captivity through manipulation, narcissism, and by using every dirty trick in the book. Donโt play games with them. When someone leaves, have the dignity to let them go. Give them the freedom that they deserve, and this will make you more appealing than most people.
Once they see that you will let them go humbly and gracefully, some people will be almost shocked. They will not be used to having a man or woman who isnโt trying to trap them. When you give people freedom in a relationship, this makes it much more functional.
Instead of feeling pressured to be around you, let them freely choose to be around you or not. If you end up going different ways, you can stay in contact and remain as a connection because theyโre not trying to escape from you. If they choose to stay with you, then you know that they genuinely want to be there.
Cultivate Trust With Your Partner
Trust is a big factor in neediness and possessiveness. If you want to overcome neediness, you need to learn to trust your partner. When neediness comes from your insecurities, you will project it onto your partner. You will not trust them, you may believe that they will lie, cheat, or leave you if you let them out of your sight.
Of course, distrust will only damage your relationship further. If you really care about the person, and they care about you too, you will be able to trust one another. If your partner wants to be with you, theyโre not going to play around. If they do and you canโt trust them, then why are you with them in the first place? Go find someone that you can trust.
Let Go and Move On, Even if It Hurts
Itโs in your best interest to let people go when the time comes. Sure, you should treat everyone well and create a healing space for them while they are with you, but know when itโs time to part ways. Be respectful and considerate, part on good terms, and wish them well.
Iโm not saying that itโs easy. After all, if you cherish the memories with a person, itโs only normal to feel pain at first. But sometimes, when you feel someone drifting away from you, itโs best to let them go with dignity instead of spoiling the memories. The more you date and the more people you see, the easier it will become to let go because you get used to it.
Not everyone will stay in your life forever, but itโs your job to leave a positive impact on everyone you build a connection with. This should be your intention with everyone. Your goal should be to bring some joy and positivity to everyone you build a connection with.
Sometimes, a relationship might leave amazing memories. But part of being a mature adult is letting people go when the time comes. Life goes on for us all, and thatโs the reality of it. If they can leave the relationship as a better person than they were coming into it, you have succeeded.