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“Honor the space between no longer and not yet”
— Nancy Levin
It’s inevitable.
In life, you will find yourself at the end of a chapter. This may be voluntary, completely by surprise, or perhaps through circumstances you may have seen coming but were outside of your control.
This period between ending and beginning again can bring up intense emotions, like anxiety, fear, excitement, doubt, confusion, anger, sadness, or frustration. This is often not a comfortable space to dwell in.
I currently find myself in this place, as I have many times before. This time, however, I’m without my best friend and with a broken heart. My usual approach has been to resist, distract, numb the pain, and force myself out of this stage as quickly as possible.
But with age and experience comes some wisdom, thankfully… and I am exploring a healthier new way of navigating this difficult transition in life.
Each person is special and travels their unique path, which should be acknowledged. What works for one person may not work for others.
One thing I have learned is that my growth journey will look different to others, and my choices will be different. It can sometimes feel disheartening when you feel you ‘should’ be doing that ‘right’ thing or feeling a certain way, and you just don’t. You may have many feelings at once, they may be contradictory; sadness and happiness, fear and excitement… This is all ok.
It’s important to allow, honor, and validate your own experience and your own feelings, always. Your actions and path should be tailored to you, what feels aligned with who you are, and what works for you.
However, I would love to share five insights that have helped me navigate this difficult period of transition. Hopefully, something from this list will resonate with you too!
Adopt a State of Flow and Kindness
Be a nourishing stream
You will often feel shock and a sense of numbness in the immediate aftermath of the change. Your body and mind need time to adjust to the new situation.
During this time, show self-compassion. You may not be able to operate in an optimal way and may have many strong emotions rolling through you. This is the time to practice empathy, kind thoughts towards yourself and others, and kind actions. You are off balance and possibly fragile, therefore, you need love and care.
Old routines, ways of thinking, and ways of operating may no longer be working for you in this uncertain space.
When I was first tossed overboard and into this transition period, the word that kept coming into my mind like a lifeline was ‘flow’. I was mostly operating on autopilot with intermittent episodes of heavy sadness and absolute panic, but I felt that the way to not drown was to relax and let myself be moved where I needed to go without overthinking or thrashing about.
I let go of everything (mostly!). I let go of the past, what I wanted to happen going forward, and what I wanted to happen in the moment.
This was difficult, and I frequently lapsed. But overall, it gave me stability. I tried to be present despite how awful the situation was, which is really hard. I focused only on the next best thing I could do according to my values, my options in that moment, and what gave me energy.
Sometimes I couldn’t muster energy for much at all. In those times, I indulged in little pleasures, such as making myself a chai, cuddling my cat, listening to music I enjoyed, or just sitting in the sun.
Grieve and Allow
This is also known as sit and have a good cry
Change and loss can be hard, even if you initiated the change or knew it was for the best. You may have walked away from a job, lost someone you cared about, experienced a health crisis, or been thrown out of your safe place.
In addition to many heavy emotions, the process of grieving involves learning to be in the world without that person or ‘thing’ that was so important to you. It takes time to accept this new reality, rediscover who you are now, and find a new path.
If this process is rushed or avoided entirely, you may get stuck in feelings of sadness, pain, or denial, and in turn you won’t fully integrate the change, and you will struggle to move forward.
I know in the past I have struggled to face these difficult feelings. I tried to avoid anything that felt uncomfortable, and made bad decisions in the process. I did not take the time to feel my emotions, to properly heal and learn, to regain my stability, strength, and meaning.
I’m now going to mention the famous M word here, meditation.
It’s a celebrity for a reason; the mental and physical benefits are proven and profound. It’s also both incredibly simple and incredibly difficult to do. The mind is busy and demanding, the body doesn’t like sitting still, phone notifications are popping up, the fridge is calling to you…
There’s a million other things to do. However, it’s the perfect vehicle for navigating this time in your life. To stop and take the time to sit and allow thoughts and feelings to come up without attaching to them, observe, and breathe.
The breath is nourishing. It grounds you. It’s a reminder to be in the present moment, to be in your body, and to trust yourself.
You are safe, so let go and allow.
If you find meditation difficult, as I do, try the breathing mantra “So hum” (which means, “I am that” or “I am aware and connected to everything”). Silently say “So” on each inhale and “Hum” as you breathe out.
Somatic Techniques to Release Emotion
Touch and movement have magical powers.
Not only is there evidence of a mind-body connection, this relationship operates in both directions. A strong thought or emotion can have a physiological response or be ‘felt’ in the body (think churning stomach or racing heart), and in reverse, a physical sensation can induce positive or negative emotions (for example, improved mood after exercise, or a hug).
During one of my recent periods of inner turmoil, I fortuitously stumbled across some simple somatic techniques which helped me connect with my body, calm my nervous system, and enabled me to work through and release some big emotions.
These techniques include:
- Vagus nerve activation: The vagus nerve is part of the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). It influences heart rate, breathing, and digestion. Activating the PNS will help you feel calmer.
Keep looking forward and tilt your head towards your shoulder (i.e., right shoulder), move your eyes to look in the opposite direction (to the left). After a short time (at least 30 seconds), this may initiate a yawn, sigh, or swallow (or nothing which is ok too). Repeat on the other side. Check out more of these exercises by Stanley Rosenberg if this worked for you. - Box breathing: It’s not exciting, I know, but consciously controlling your breathing can also have positive impacts on your nervous system and even improve focus. Inhale through your nose for a count of four, hold for four, exhale slowly through your mouth for four, hold for four. Repeat.
- Butterfly hug: Kind touch can create feelings of safety. Feeling safe helps you to regulate your emotions and allow them to move through you without overwhelm. Start by crossing your arms in front of your chest, right hand resting on your heart. Tap your hands one at a time on your body, whatever pressure feels nice for you. You can also move your hands to your shoulders and give yourself a squeeze.
These embodied exercises reminded me of the power of movement and how it can be grounding and allow me to safely feel and release emotions. To stop me wallowing and creating stories and getting stuck in my head. I consciously incorporated yoga and dance back into my weekly routine.
This movement may be gentle or full of vigour, whatever works for you.
Reflect and Explore
So basically, look both inwards and around you.
Once I became stable, I could then take the time to figure out what I wanted my new life to look like, who I wanted to become, my strengths, growth areas, and what was meaningful to me. Now I’ll mention the famous J word, journal; The celebrity sibling to meditation that also has many health benefits, including increasing self-awareness, processing emotions, and even self-discovery.
Honestly, my journal and I have a tense relationship, with frequent periods of not speaking to each other. My mind is active and imaginative until I try and put pen to paper. At this point, it goes silent and uncooperative.
Despite this, I know the value of writing my thoughts down, and I persist. I try to keep coming back regardless of the breaks. I find that being flexible with the format can help with my writing.
Journaling can be writing a message to a friend or someone you’ve lost, writing a poem (it can be 1 sentence and doesn’t have to rhyme), writing whatever words come into your mind, or drawing a picture.
I’m finding that this awkward in-between time is also a great opportunity to expand current interests or explore new activities.
Join a group, learn something new or do any activity which sounds fun to you, you never know what exposure to a random event will lead to. If you are feeling brave you can step outside your comfort zone and try things which are radically different to your normal repertoire.
I tried karaoke, solo travel, started learning French, I focused on my writing and put it out into the world which was scary! Next I will explore yoga teacher training. Your list will be unique to you, what can you try and what will you discover about yourself?
Reach Out and Be Open
You are not alone!
I’m not going to lie, there were many times when I did not feel like leaving the house and interacting with anyone. I wanted to hide, cry, and forget. I felt alone.
But occasionally, I did reach out to close friends who I knew would listen with kindness. I tried not to impulsively ‘vomit’ my emotions. I acted with consideration, but I shared what I was going through, allowing myself to be vulnerable and authentic.
There are enormous benefits just from being able to vocalize your thoughts and feelings. It really makes you tune into and assess all the pervasive views and stories in your mind and body. Talking can bring clarity to mess as you attempt to articulate the core issues you are facing, the feelings you have, the barriers and the outcomes you want to achieve.
I did not expect my people to fix anything, just hold space and hopefully provide snacks and drinks and a hug. Engaging with someone can provide a different perspective or random idea that resonates, it can provide relief and a sense of connection, it may surprise you.
The caveat, however, is to choose your people wisely. Some people may not be willing or able to respond as you need.
If you are having a really challenging time or you want someone outside of your circle, reach out for professional support. Find someone that you feel comfortable opening up to. It’s important that this relationship feels safe and supportive. If you can’t meet in person, there are now more online options which are cheaper and more easily accessible.
In closing, I will say, my journey in this space is still unfolding. I’m learning and growing each day. I’m smiling, falling, crying, getting back up, swearing, getting lost, and looking for the nearest coffee shop with low lighting and comfortable chairs.
But if I’ve got this, you do too!
