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Ever found yourself really pissed off, but still trying to be the better person? Wouldn’t it be great if we could all just show unconditional love in the face of adversity, like all the modern Gurus of the world tell us?
After all, that’s every soul seeker’s wet dream, right? To never get triggered, angry, or upset, but to always feel unconditional love, regardless of how people treat you.
The only issue is that we’re human…
We get angry, we feel frustrated. Sometimes we’re irrational or immature. If we try to be the better person and suck up the anger, then that just forms the shadow – the neglected part of ourselves that never sees the light of day, creating this putrid mess under the carpet of awareness.
The thing is that you need to honor your emotions. You can’t pretend that your anger or jealousy doesn’t exist or ignore these painful emotions without making the situation worse. But on the other hand, you should be doing your best to show compassion and love because we know it’s the best thing to do, especially for a spiritual person…
So, how do we navigate this dichotomy between trying to be the better person and coming from a place of genuine compassion in the face of adversity? How can we honor our emotions while not getting caught in them?
Let’s explore this fine balance between honoring your emotions, but not getting stuck in them. After applying the advice in this article, you will know how to genuinely begin shifting towards compassion when you’re feeling angry or upset so that these painful emotions don’t run the show.
The Myth of the Perfectly Peaceful Spiritual Person
A major goal of many spiritual seekers is to step into higher states of awareness where we feel more compassion, gratitude, and love. By now, we know that these are some of the highest vibrations we can experience, and they have a direct correlation with happiness.
In theory, it’s easy.
Just experience more compassion, veer away from states of frustration, anger, and resentment because these emotions are dense, and viola – you’re a saint. But the waters get a little murky when we try to balance the act of being honest with our emotions, while also trying to move away from lower emotions to experience higher emotions.
Thereโs this sneaky little myth floating around the spiritual world that once you wake up, youโre supposed to be peaceful all the time. If youโre still getting triggered, still feeling resentful or reactive, you must be doing something wrong.
But real spiritual growth isnโt about pretending youโve transcended every messy emotion. Dense emotions are just invitations to look deeper into the psyche because there’s a part of you that’s wounded. That part is still wounded because it hasn’t been given the care it deserves.
Too many people bypass their emotions in the name of love and light, but that’s spiritual performance rather than real compassion. Spiritual performance without honesty leads to spiritual bypassing. Eventually, those unacknowledged feelings bubble back up in weird, distorted ways.
Because yeah, you could fake compassion to win spiritual brownie points, but thatโs not the path weโre walking. We’re trying to strip off the layers and slowly return to our most pure selves. That’s the aim… isn’t it?
Therefore, if you are feeling a painful emotion, it’s best not to pretend to be compassionate. You can cross that one off the list. If youโre genuinely angry, admit it. Youโre not broken because you snapped at someone. Youโre not less enlightened because your ego shows up and gets the best of you sometimes.
The first step to true emotional alchemy is owning what you feel without shame. You just need to be real with yourself, and then we’ll get into the nuance.
Balancing the Higher Self and the Honest Self
When you’re upset, it’s like having two inner voices fighting for the mic. One’s whispering, โLet it go. Be the bigger person. Come from love.โ The other’s yelling, โScrew that! This person disrespected you, don’t let yourself be taken advantage of again!”
On one hand, you’re being immature and should just let go of it. At least, that’s what the angel on your shoulder tells you. But then there’s the devil, telling you to hold onto that anger, get payback, and allow yourself to be a little immature.
So, which one do you listen to?
In most stories, we pick the angel, but in truth, they’re both different sides of us telling us valid truths.
If you’re feeling something painful, it’s valid, and you have the right to feel it. Even if it’s something so petty that you feel angry over, and you know that you should let it goโฆ
The mistake a lot of us make is thinking that we have to choose one or the other. Either you act like a saint and pretend nothing’s wrong, or you explode and let your pain run the show.
But it’s important to know that the part of you that wants to lash out is trying to protect you, and the part of you that wants to rise above is trying to heal you.
Your higher self doesnโt hate your angry self. It just sees a bigger picture.
And your angry self? It just wants to feel seen.
When you stop treating them like enemies, you can start listening to both and move forward in a way thatโs both honest and intentional.
Honoring Your Emotions Without Getting Stuck In Them
Thereโs a sweet spot between bypassing your emotions and being consumed by them. Sometimes we mistake โhonoring our feelingsโ for endlessly replaying a story where weโre the victim and someone else is the villain.
Thatโs not healing, it’s marinating in pain, and itโs exhausting.
The real work here is letting yourself feel whatโs present without needing to fix it, suppress it, or justify it. But honoring your emotions is different from giving them a grand performance. You donโt have to make your anger noble. You donโt have to make your sadness poetic.
Again… just feel it.
The best way I’ve learned to deal with this during my studies of Buddhism is to name and shame… Well, maybe not shame, but witness it. When I feel angry, especially if it seems unjustified or over something petty, I bring my awareness to it.
Usually there’s a part of me that says, “yes, I’m feeling pissed off, what about it?” It’s not like the anger just goes away when I pay attention to it. Some people will say that it does, but this often just stirs the pot when you realize that your awareness isn’t moving the needle.
With that said, what I find to be helpful is then asking myself why I feel angry. Sometimes I will justify it, something I’ll just sit there and think, hoping to think of a quick answer to not look stupid, to myself.
When I’m thinking about why I’m angry and having an internal dialogue, that’s generally when the anger begins to soften because it’s being acknowledged. The inner child is feeling heard, which leads to acceptance, and then peace. Then I think about whether those emotions are influencing my actions, and usually the answer is yes.
So, again, I need to be aware of it. I can feel angry and have the internal dialogue without acting it out. If I need, I will give the situation, or person some space, go for a walk or meditate, and afterwards I usually feel much more calm.
When you permit yourself to feel something without becoming overly attached to it, it softens. So yeah, be angry. Be disappointed. Be messy. But donโt let it define you.
When you stop resisting the feeling, it starts to lose its grip on you.
Tuning the Compass to Real Compassion
Once youโve honored what you feel, youโll probably notice something start to shift. It might not happen right away, and not always dramatically, but subtly. Itโs like the edge softens. The story loses its meaning, and you start to see the person or situation from a slightly different lens.
Thatโs your cue: Intention.
There’s a big difference between intending compassion and forcing it.
Forcing compassion only makes the shadow bigger because you’re not honoring your emotions. Intending compassion is a quiet commitment to return to love when youโre ready. Itโs like saying, โI still feel hurt, but I also want to be free of this.โ
That intention is powerful. Even if you donโt act on it right away, it sets the energy in motion. When that shift starts to happen, donโt fight it. Donโt let your ego convince you that holding onto the pain is worth it, because sometimes the ego can be a deceiving bugger.
Intend forgiveness and affirm to yourself: “I’m feeling angry at this person, but I don’t enjoy feeling this way, and I want to let go as quickly as I can so I can return to a state of emotional equanimity.”
Because true compassion doesnโt come from denying your emotions. It comes after them, when you’ve faced them fully and chosen not to let them harden your heart.
When you hit that tipping point where you start to feel less resentment and more compassion, that’s when you can encourage it. This is the easy point now, you just need to make sure you’re not deliberately holding onto that pain.
Honoring Emotions and Still Growing Spiritually
Thereโs no hack to finding the right balance between honoring your emotions and feeling compassionate, but there is a rhythm to it.
- Honor whatโs alive in you
If youโre hurt, say it. If youโre angry, feel it. If youโre petty and resentful, admit it (at least to yourself). Let the raw emotion exist without trying to fix it right away. Being aware that you’re feeling a certain way and questioning why you’re feeling it is the first thing you need to do. - Set an intention to shift
Once youโve fully acknowledged the dense emotion, decide to move toward compassion when you’re ready. Here, it’s important not to fake it and not to rush it. Again, honor your emotions, but set the direction you want to move in. - Notice when the shift begins
At some point, the painful emotions will naturally start losing their grip. Maybe it’s after you’ve gone for a nice walk and cleared your head. Maybe when you’ve meditated or reflected deeply enough on the event. Thatโs when you lean into the compassion thatโs already arising, not the one youโre trying to manufacture. Let it grow without pressuring it to do so. - Practice this method
Youโre not supposed to be a monk. What matters is your willingness to keep choosing growth over ego, and using every opportunity that makes you feel a certain way as a practice to cultivate awareness.
Especially if you get triggered a lot, don’t expect instant results. Learning how to process dense emotions and let them go in their own time is a practice. Therefore, use every moment when you’re feeling frustrated, angry, resentful, or jealous to turn your attention inwards, honor the emotion, and question it.
I bet, if you’re consistent with the practice, over time you won’t get so triggered by little things. Naturally, it will become much easier to feel genuine compassion without sucking it up or masquerading as your higher self.
You donโt have to choose between truth and peace. When you walk with intention, they start to become the same thing.