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Conversations. Those things we all love to have, but so many of us struggle with. Conversations can be daunting, especially if you feel a bit shy or inexperienced talking to new people and keeping the conversation flowing without sounding like a robot.
But donโt stress.
I started from the ground up, from someone who used to be just about as awkward as you can get, to now being someone who has a great social life and has no issue chatting away and feeling great about it.
Therefore, Iโm going to share 10 of the most important things I have learned on this journey towards conversational competence and leave out none of the details.
Letโs dive into it.
Practice, Practice, Practice
There is no way around this one. If you want to become a good conversationalist, you need to practice. Many people who struggle with conversations also tend to avoid them. Of course, this creates a self-perpetuating cycle.
Building conversational competence must be treated as a skill set rather than something we naturally have or donโt have. People who are naturally good conversationalists were raised in environments where they talked a lot.
They developed this ability by putting in the hours. Thousands upon thousands of hours of chatting until theyโve got the art down, more or less (you can always become better).
Therefore, donโt perceive your conversational competence as something you donโt have or canโt. Instead, you need to view it in a way that you havenโt yet acquired competence because you havenโt done it enough.
Therefore, practice!
Every chance you get, practice chatting with people. Luckily, you have many opportunities to practice every day โ with friends, your parents, work associates, shop clerks, at events, and so forth.
Talk to people in all situations, from all walks of life, and all backgrounds. Make small talk, try new things, and donโt be afraid to muck up, because you will sometimes.
Ultimately, the more you stretch yourself to converse, the better you will become in the long run. Of course, it becomes easier when you can apply some structure to it, so letโs look at that.
Rememberโฆ
- Practice having conversations daily with as many people as you can
- Stretch yourself by trying new things and increasing your conversational flexibility
Your Emotional State Matters
In my opinion, probably the most important thing I have learned when it comes to conversation, is that itโs all about the energy. Believe me, this is a game-changer because itโs something we all intuitively know, but canโt put into words.
How you feel means everything. Words are secondary. If youโre super happy and loving life, yet donโt say a word, people will love you. If youโre an expert conversationalist but feel miserable, people wonโt want to engage you.
People are like antennas that pick up the energy of others. We intuitively know how someone else is feeling, and respond to it, either consciously or unconsciously.
If youโre a downer and feeling not great, youโll probably find that people will be much less receptive to you, because they donโt want to be sucked into your negative energy.
On the other hand, if youโre feeling happy, people will sense this and want a piece of it.
When I started learning just how powerful your vibe is in social interactions, I stopped worrying so much about what to say and focused on being a positive presence in peopleโs lives.
The result โ everyone loved having me around and would often say it to me because Iโm an enjoyable person to be around โ not because I could make everyone laugh or was a great storyteller, but because I gave off an energy that made people feel good.
With that said, you canโt fake it. Donโt pretend to be joyful if youโre not, but do try to enjoy your interactions with others and feel good when youโre having them, and youโll notice they will reciprocate.
Some takeawaysโฆ
- Realize that energy matters more than words, and focus on that
- Positive vibes attract people, and negative vibes repel them
- Be authentic and genuinely try to enjoy interactions
and that brings me to the next point.
Level With the Person
Itโs good to work with the energy levels of the person youโre speaking with because it leads to calibrated emotional states.
Think about it. Have you ever been feeling sad because of something, and someone will treat you like youโre at a music festival and not level with you at all? Or if you are having a good time and someone is a downer, how do you feel?
Thereโs a mismatch in energy levels. This mismatch will create friction, and just make the interaction much less smooth than it could be. But if you pick up the personโs energy and level with them, itโs going to make a much better emotional connection.
If someone is in a low-energy state, then itโs best not to be rowdy or overly excited. Likewise, if someone is feeling excited, naturally feel into it and reflect it. If theyโre ticked off because of something, recognize it and take a softer approach.
Match the energy, and youโll find that the conversation will be much more aligned.
That meansโฆ
- Identify the personโs emotional state
- Match their energy levels to connect emotionally
- Be congruent in your mannerisms and behaviors
Body Language Is King
Okay, itโs not just about eye contact. Your body language plays a big role in conversations. Weak, skittish body language can instantly break an interaction because it signals something very importantโฆ
That youโre not a high-value person.
And of course, first impressions mean a huge deal. Think about it. If you meet someone who is hunched over, barely makes eye contact, speaks with a shaky voice, and gives you a flaccid handshake, you probably know from the get-go that theyโre not someone you want to be hanging around with.
Nothing wrong with them, theyโre just signaling that they donโt add social value, or are someone who would be fun to speak to.
On the other hand, if someone makes strong eye contact, has great posture, a resonating voice, and gives a firm handshake, it gives you an entirely different message.
So you need to be aware of your body language and make sure youโre someone who projects confidence and power because people will certainly recognize it, consciously or unconsciously, and want a piece of you.
Thereforeโฆ
- Maintain strong eye contact and initially give a warm, gentle smile
- Have good posture, shoulders back, chest forward, and relax your muscles
- Try to speak with a consistent tone of voice, avoiding shakiness if possible
- Give a warm, fully interlocked handshake and hold for a couple of seconds before releasing
Use a Good Conversation Opener
How you open the conversation is important because the initial question sets the tone. You can make or break a potential friendship from the first interaction, so you want to get off to a good start.
Saying something like โHey, nice to meet youโ doesnโt give the opening much impact. Saying something like โThatโs a unique jacket, where did you get it from?โ is much more likely to make a strong impression and get the conversation rolling.
So, start your conversations with a bang, and make sure you put your best foot forward.
If youโre able to make someone feel good, such as joy by making a compliment or making them laugh by making a joke, youโre setting the stage for a good interaction.
Thatโs because people hear the same things so often that they tend to drown it out. As Tinder may have taught us, just saying hi or how are you wonโt win the cake.
But donโt worry too much about it. I open with generic conversation starters like โHowโs it goingโ all the time. I just try to make the conversation somewhat interesting quickly, knowing that it will burn out quickly if no emotions are stimulated.
Soโฆ
- Start strong if possible
- Aim to stimulate an emotion or pick the personโs interest
- Relax, normal openers are still fine if you canโt think of anything else
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Ask open-ended questions to give the other person the opportunity to speak more. If you ask yes/no questions, youโre going to get yes/no answers. Thereโs not much space for you to steer the conversation there without abruptly and probably awkwardly changing course.
Therefore, ask questions where the person canโt give a 2-second response. For example, asking someone what they have been up to today is better than asking, โHow is your day going?โ
Likewise, itโs a two-way street.
If you often respond with close-ended responses, youโre crippling your chances to have an interesting conversation. If someone asks you how your day was, donโt respond with a one-word answer. Instead, briefly describe your day and finish with a question.
I suggest that you pay attention to your responses and push yourself to speak a little more than you usually do. Make sure youโre throwing enough conversational threads out there so they can keep the conversation rolling with ease.
With that saidโฆ
- Avoid asking questions that can be answered in a few words
- Ask questions that encourage thought and opinion
- Generally ask a question when you finish speaking
Be Completely Present
This goes without saying, if you pay attention, youโre going to give better responses.
This can be a bit tricky as sometimes our minds wander. I get it, I used to be a shocking listener, but what a world of difference attentive listening makes!
Itโs important to focus your attention solely on the conversation. This means not preemptively thinking about your response, multitasking, or letting your mind drift when someone is speaking.
You need to be completely engaged. As soon as you start thinking about something else, your attention will lapse.
Therefore, practice the skill of active listening because you need to pay attention to whatโs being said. If youโre not paying attention, youโre going to miss all the conversational threads and have nothing to talk about.
Some takeaway notesโฆ
- Avoid distractions
- Donโt divide your attention or think about other things
- Donโt plan your response while the person is talking
Give Them the Conversational Spotlight
One of the best things you can do in a conversation is to put all of your attention on that person. This was one of the most important lessons I learned about dealing with others, and it makes such a difference.
Most people are starved of attention and love talking about themselves. Nothing wrong with that, we all do it, yet we all tend to compete for recognition.
By making the person youโre talking with the center of attention, they feel great. If they feel great, then they will want more of you, because theyโre benefiting from the interaction. Theyโre being acknowledged and validated, like all of us crave.
Selfish, I know, but weโre all fundamentally wired the same.
Most of us are unconsciously dictated by this powerful desire to feel important, so we seek validation in conversations by aiming to talk about ourselves.
This is why giving the conversation spotlight to the person youโre speaking will make them leave the conversation feeling great. When you recognize the desire to speak about yourself and avoid it, you put yourself ahead of 90% of people.
In saying thatโฆ
- Avoid talking about yourself unless asked
- Avoid seeking recognition or approval
- Focus the conversation on the person and aim to make them feel heard
But to do this, you need toโฆ
Show Curiosity
Curiosity is a two-hit wonder, hereโs why.
If you are genuinely curious, youโre going to ask more questions, probe, and show interest in what the other person is saying. This helps you stay engaged and also helps steer the conversation.
When you arenโt curious, naturally, you wonโt ask many questions (or care about the answer). Therefore, youโll find that the conversation will die out very quickly.
Iโm not saying to fake it. You donโt need to be curious about everyone and every topic, because naturally, we wonโt resonate with certain things. And thatโs fine. But at least trying to learn from the person makes a big difference.
The way I see it is that everyone is an expert in something, and thereโs something we can learn from all. Try to learn something new from every person you meet by probing a little bit and listening.
With that said, people love to feel like they matter.
When you are genuinely curious about the personโs life and want to know more, most people feel flattered. Everyone loves talking about themselves, so showing genuine curiosity is a game changer.
- Be genuinely curious to learn about the person and their interests
- Treat people as open books that you can learn a lot from
- Ask questions regularly, and follow up on those questions
Donโt Be a Robot
Remember that one high school teacher who spoke in an unbearably monotonous voice, putting you to sleep quicker than anesthesia?
Well, what exactly did it?
Itโs because there was no excitement in his voice, no passion. Everything they said blurred together into a heap of bland, robotic information. So, how do you think it comes across to others when you speak without enthusiasm or vigor?
This is why you need to make sure your conversations are dynamic.
This means to include a range of tones, paces, and emotions. Let your feelings be reflected in your speech. Show excitement, enthusiasm, and even anger if something is pressing your buttons. Laugh, express sadness, and use facial expressions and gestures to compliment what youโre saying.
Talk about things that are intriguing, moving, touching, and bring the person youโre talking with through a rollercoaster. Add some personality to the conversation and everyoneโs going to have a much better experience.
Letโs wrap upโฆ
- Express emotions when youโre speaking
- Make your conversations dynamic and stimulate different emotions
- Mix up your speech with various tones, paces, and energy levels
Be Authentic
Whatever you do, donโt try to imitate other people or act in a way that isnโt congruent with your own style. Authenticity makes you stand out from the crowd, and when you learn to step into it, you will realize that individuality is a superpower.
Thatโs because you always have something unique that nobody else can offer.
However, when youโre trying to be someone else or act in a way that isnโt you, you also lose that edge. Suddenly, you become an Etsy version of a generic archetype.
Youโre inauthentically being generic, thatโs like a lose-lose.
People can always tell when youโre being yourself vs putting on an act to fit in. Pretending to have a different persona because youโre trying to make a good impression looks crummy.
But I get it.
You might not love how you present yourself or carry a conversation, which is why you try to be different. But instead of trying to be someone else, lean into your strengths.
For example, if youโre generally quite shy or reserved, donโt force yourself to speak a lot, make jokes, and be as upbeat as other people, just because itโs the norm. Rather, step into your authentic self, and be centered.
Thereforeโฆ
- Learn to value authenticity and your unique persona more than โbeing normalโ
- Play on your strengths and differences, donโt cancel them out
- Embody your natural self more
Find Common Ground
Conversations tend to flow naturally when we hit on subjects that weโre genuinely interested in.
Think about it, you might be having a robotic and clunky conversation with someone, but when you touch on a subject that youโre both interested in, the conversation seems to flow. Suddenly, you have a ton to talk about because youโre genuinely interested in it.
Therefore, go into conversations to find common ground. This could relate to your hobbies, interests, work, beliefs, values, and so forth.
If you have nothing in common, then naturally, the conversation probably wonโt be very enjoyable as you wonโt be able to connect with the person.
And thatโs okay, you donโt need to click with everyone, but do seek out common interests by asking questions and navigating the conversation in the direction of your interests.
Nowโฆ
- Seek out mutual interests when conversing with someone
- Veer the conversation toward something you think they may be interested in
Go With the Flow
Let the conversations flow naturally. That means you should work with the conversation rather than trying to memorize points, change topics,
By forcing the conversation to go in a particular direction, youโre disrupting the flow which can make the conversation abrupt, uncomfortable, and awkward.
Instead, just let it move naturally by following the path of least resistance. Conversation topics can be difficult to generate for many people. To many people, they come naturally and the conversation continues rolling effortlessly. But to others, they are complicated beyond measure.
Most of us have been there. Sitting awkwardly side-by-side with someone else while fumbling to get words out and struggling to keep things rolling. The awkward-o-meter begins rising. Before you know it, the other person politely bows out of the interaction, never to be seen again.
Before you have built up experience and confidence with other people, itโs common to run out of topics and not know what to talk about.
Thenโฆ
- Donโt force the conversation because you feel pressured
- Allow the conversation to organically flow into new topics without directing it too much
Embrace Awkward Silences
Ahh, awkward silences. We spend our lives trying to avoid those dreaded things, yet no matter how good you are as a conversationalist, you will always have them. Even if you donโt, do you want to spend your life with that burden, that silence that always has to be filled, or will you (and others) feel uncomfortable?
Donโt get me wrong, you do want to try to avoid awkward silences when you can, but donโt be afraid of them. Itโs a massive superpower when you can remain collected and unphased during silence, and it puts other people at ease too.
Therefore, donโt be so quick to fill in the silence when a conversation comes to a temporary halt. Donโt whip out your phone or call it a night. Just stay grounded, breathe, and radiate that calming energy by remaining in your center, unphased that there is nothing to talk about.
When you have something to say, simply say it without commenting on the silence, almost like it never happened.
In my view, embracing awkward silence is a game changer. When people see that you lean into awkward silences without feeling pressure or angst, you will begin to radiate this feeling of calmness that is refreshing. Other people will notice that youโre like a rock, and will vicariously feel at ease too.
- Remain calm and unphased when there is a pause in the conversation
- Avoid bending to pressure and ending the conversation
- Realize that the person will pick up your energy
End on a High Note
Instead of feeling awkward and ending the conversation when it comes to a natural halt, end conversations on a high note. When closing it, itโs good to say something that stimulates a pleasant emotion or makes them feel good as it ends.
Ending on a high note leaves a good taste in everyoneโs mouth, and theyโre much more likely to want to converse with you again.
You can do this simply by complimenting them and saying, โIt was great meeting you, but Iโve got to get goingโ or โI have enjoyed our discussion, but I need to make a moveโ.
Having said that, apply these 15 conversational tips as soon as you can in every conversation you have. As long as you practice, you will naturally build up this skill set very quickly and become a great conversationalist in anyoneโs eyes.